What follows here is some writing I have been attempting to refine. Let me know how it sounds and what i can do to really make it stand out. Critique away!
The light at the head of the steam rail pierces through the night. The contraption moves with a low rumble over the tracks guiding it. Inside the 19th car Hannibal Moxy sips tea, looking through the window as the line crests the Florentine ridge.
The cabin would be decribed as ostentacious by any regular traveler. Hannibal has nary a word of complaint for its decor, though. He reclines into the ornate couch's arm rest, turning to his left and laying his legs across the second seat so that he may get a good view of the outside of the approaching Metropolis of Sunderton.
From his window Sunderton glows like an ember in the fireplace. The red lights along the streets provide the visible illumination of the city this night. The glow does not extend into the blackened sky, though. Sunderton is reknowned for the chokeable haze that hangs over it, casting the brightest of days in the gloom of twilight.
Hannibal can tell that a forest wraps the city from behind. The outlines of the trees are evident thanks to the glow from a geothermal power dome in the distance. The Purgatorio dome is another of the famous features of Sunderton. The dome is an engineering miracle that encapsules the active Volcano located close to the city. It is the source of all power for Sunderton.
Now, What follows is entirely new content that I have not attempted to refine. This is more of an exercise on relevancy and if this is at all necessary/interesting enough to put into the story, at this time.
Hannibal comforts his thoughts on his looming arrival into the city with a reminder that his mentor is a warp missive away. The ease of connection gives Hannibal confidence going into his first investigative foray. His mentor, Damon Lark, is a carnosseiur of some of the world's most esoteric histories. When a priceless collection of artifacts dating back to the Viking age were stolen from the Suderton museum, Damon Lark volunteered the services of his newest protege to help in locating these items.
So I am torn on how to present this information. I just feel like I cut to the chase entirely too quickly. I dont know if, perhaps, i should tell the story of the break in, instead of just relaing its events second hand. I'm leaning towards actually doing that as a new opening, since I view the robbery as a non-essential element of the story. I, particularly, have no desire to keep the events of the theft hidden from the reader. The thief, maybe, but the actual theft, i think i can enjoy writing that, especially if I can throw in some ninja prostittues and empty kegs of mead.